IN THE MIXER

Clarke Carlisle’s Football’s Secret Suicide, a documentary aired last night on BBC3, has certainly created a Twitter buzz.  The now retired Central defender and current PFA Chairman spoke openly about his own battle with depression and suicide attempt as well as talking to other former professionals about their own mental health issues.

 

Depression amongst footballers, according to the documentary, is something of a taboo subject and one that is often ignored or not even considered.  However, the openness with which the likes of Lee Hendrie, Leon McKenzie and Carlisle himself discussed the issue has hopefully opened the door for further development of a support network for the football industry.

 

The idea that a poor game, a missed open goal or abuse from an individual in a crowd can lead to or be the result of a player feeling depressed is something that your every day football fan would find ludicrous. Why?

 

The usual argument is ‘they earn thousands of pounds a week’. What people tend to forget about footballers is that they are simply doing their job, a job which unlike hundreds of professions across the world is played out in front of thousands of people week in week out. The pressure placed on to a footballers shoulders is huge, and to dismiss these pressures and the effect they have based purely on an individual’s income is outrageous and damn right ignorant.

 

 However, it was somewhat alarming to hear the players on film speak of a lack of support and understanding from others in the game.  Carlisle’s then manager Aidy Boothroyd even spoke of telling his teammates that he was off with the flu, when in actual fact Carlisle was at home suffering from a bout of

depression.

 

But what was even more alarming was the response that Clarke Carlisle received from some very small minded individuals on Twitter. The majority of people contacting the PFA Chairman had understood the message, experienced depression themselves or were looking for help after being in similar circumstances.

 

However, the usual Twitter ‘trolls’ as they have been dubbed reared their ugly heads and decided that depression and Carlisle’s motivation for producing this insight into a previously unchartered area of football were fodder for criticism.  

 

The one tweet that really caught my eye criticised the use of footballers as an example, the gentleman in question felt that soldiers were better qualified to suffer with depression, and then ended the tweet with #Clown.Carlisle’s response was spot on:

 

‘I would think that they need all the help that we can possibly give them. Same illness, different lives’.

 

Depression is an illness; it’s one that until someone suffers from it themselves they will never fully understand. It can take hold of anybody, regardless of whether they are unemployed, a soldier, footballer or high flying businessman. Your salary, lifestyle, job, family life are just a few of the factors that DON’T prevent depression.

 

Now this blog is written under a pseudonym but there will be those that know me well enough to know exactly who is behind this blog. I know exactly how hard it is to breach the barriers that you create for yourself when it comes to openly discussing depression. 

 

Opening up to people you love is hard enough; you feel that you will be a burden to them if you do. Opening up to somebody that you don’t know is out of the question initially, something I am still yet to do. There are some mornings when you wake up not wanting to come into contact with anyone else; you just don’t have it in you to face them. There are some mornings when you wake up feeling 100% and then the slightest little thing sends your mood crashing back down again. For me the tiniest things such as; someone talking too loud, something being in the way or just being disturbed lead me to feeling incredibly frustrated and sometimes even angry.

 

In the documentary, Clarke Carlisle mentioned the feeling you get when your head feels like it’s shutting down. It was these feelings that first lead me to be concerned. I had recently graduated from University, I was stuck in the same job I had been doing to supplement my studies, there was no success when it came to finding a job that I wanted to do. I was already unhappy there but I had recently been promoted, a promotion I took because I needed the extra money. My manager started mapping out my future for me and I began to feel claustrophobic; the idea of being stuck in this job for the long term future made my head hurt. I would hate getting up to go to work.

 

At first the feeling in my head would come on gradually over the day. It’s hard to explain, but it’s almost like your head is either very heavy and being carried around by an empty body or, your head totally empty and being carried around by a heavy body.

 

Eventually it would come on as soon as I stepped through the door, and then as soon as I stepped off the tube.

 

I left that job in December because it simply became too much to deal with. 7 months later I am still looking for work. I have no money,

I have tried to share this with friends, but sometimes it’s hard to put it into words. Partly because you feel that, as I mentioned before, you are putting a burden on people but also because as a guy you can never really be too sure as to what reaction your mates will give you. That’s the truth, and it’s probably also part of the reason why depression is still very much kept quiet in football, an environment where masculinity prevails and certain parts of society wouldn’t see depression as very masculine.

 

The handful of friends that I have shared this with have been very reassuring. One close friend even told me that while he was at University he too struggled with depression. I could only feel guilty, as I had no idea. Maybe my being unaware of this was also a result of us being part of a large group of ‘lads’, if that’s the case then I can only apologise to him (he knows who he is).

 

The worst thing about it for me is not knowing how to bring it up. There are evenings that I sit scrolling through the contacts in my phone and Facebook, just hoping that one of the names jumps out at me. Or even better someone gives me a call, text or message asking how I am. It’s ridiculous I know, because if people don’t know why would they ask? But that lack of message leaves you feeling so alone at times.

 

Being on your own sometimes is necessary, but the problem with this is it also leaves you alone with your thoughts. If you sit with someone and talk, it provides another side to the conversation. When you sit alone it’s only you contributing and you end up becoming annoyed with yourself for feeling so sorry for yourself. This in turn makes you feel even lower than you already do.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, particularly to those who don’t think depression is a real issue or that you only qualify for depression under certain circumstances is please think before you judge.

 

Some people may read this, realise who I am and try to avoid me, some may read it and support me but there will be some who will tell me to get on with it. My response to that is I, along with thousands of other people, am trying to get on with it; we are trying to move on, to overcome, and to soldier on through. Sometimes, we simply can’t prevent that hour or so of being quiet or miserable, that dark miserable day can’t always be prevented. But bear with us, we will get there but sometimes we just need a tiny bit of help.

 

And Clarke Carlisle, in making the documentary, has given so many people a huge helping hand by putting it out there in the public domain, that even those viewed as ‘untouchable’ can suffer and come through the other side a stronger and better person.

 

I know for sure that without that documentary, I wouldn't have written this blog, so thanks Clarke.